Classy guy

April 27, 2010

“I recently went on a date with a guy that I met at a bar. Dicey, I
know, but I decided I would give dinner a shot. We emailed back and
forth about where to go and he suggested a few very cheesy looking
sushi places, but I tried to hold judgment until the actual date.
Dinner was a little more difficult than the standard first date. I
had to pull information out of him like it was my job UNTIL we got to
talking about his motorcycle. Oh that topic, he had a world to say.
Specifically, he felt the need to tell me the general profile and
ethnicities of people who knock his bike over and park too close as
well as the ethnic makeup and characteristics of all the neighborhoods
he won’t drive through. I did a mental check to make sure that I was
still in Manhattan while listening to his racist tirade and also
considered that our sake was spiked and I was hallucinating. But no
such luck. As we left the restaurant, I pointed out a local pizza
place that I love. Turns out, he had a colorful story about when he
accidentally poured too much garlic salt on his pizza because some
kids had unscrewed the top of the container. He asked the guy that
worked at the pizza place for a replacement slice, and, when denied,
got into a fight and then proceeded to walk out of the establishment
and throw his pizza slice at their window.

Having already established rampant racism and anger management issues
so early into the date, I decided it was best to call it a night.
Next time, what happens at the bar, stays at the bar.”



Put on the brakes…

April 25, 2010

I was set up on a blind date with someone my friend told me I was really gonna like. I was living with my parents at the time, so I arranged it for him to pick me up there. I was standing in the living room, talking to my father, when, all of a sudden, I heard a really loud car horn–and it wouldn’t stop! This guy just kept honking his horn. I looked at my father who had a very bewildered look on his face, and I quickly went outside to see if there was a reason for this rude behavior. When I got outside, my date was sticking his head out of the window going “I’m sorry I’m honking the horn, but you’ve got to get me some bricks!” I had no idea what he was talking about. He then goes “You never told me you lived on a hill. My brakes don’t work, so I need some bricks to make sure my car doesn’t roll into the street.” Luckily my father had some bricks in the garage, and he put them behind his tires to make sure the car didn’t go flying down the hill. THEN, my date made me carry the bricks around all night in case we parked anywhere that was on a hill! We only went out that one time. And I screamed at my friend the next day! I mean, it didn’t occur to him to maybe borrow someone else’s car until he got his brakes fixed!


When Nature Calls…

April 22, 2010

My friend sets me up with this girl and we, immediately, hit it off and started going on dates. By our 3rd or 4th date, I got the feeling that I was gonna be able to get to sleep with her for the first time, and I was pretty psyched. My stomach felt a little off that day, but I decided to drink a little ginger ale and ignore it.
I show up at her door and ask her where she would like to go to dinner–I already had a few places in mind. She insists we try this new INDIAN restaurant. Oh Man. I love Indian food, but I can already tell this is a horrible idea based on my stomach. I didn’t want to disappoint her, however, so I said ‘Sure, let’s go!’
Oh man…
After dinner she wants to go to a bar. Alright…Now this girl can drink, so we proceed to get wasted. Does not help my stomach, AND the unisex bathroom in the bar is out of order. Oh man…I can feel the rumbling…

We go back to her apartment, and she opens a bottle of wine and wants to play board games. All I want to do is go to the bathroom, but she has only one bathroom that is right off of her bedroom where we’re playing a board game, and, since you can hear a pin-drop in her apt, I’m petrified of going in there and having her hear the whole ordeal. I decide to hold on…
We stay up drinking, playing board games and arguing about politics until about 3am. My stomach is on fire. Then–she gets up and goes ‘let’s go to bed’ and pulls me into bed with her. I can’t say I’m any good, sexually, at this time, considering that I’m clenching my ass cheeks throughout the whole procedure!
Finally, when sex is over, I FLY into the bathroom, unable to hold what I’ve been holding in ALL NIGHT, and a massive and audible explosion takes place. There is no doubt in my mind that she heard the whole thing.
I come out of the bathroom and she has sort of a discouraged look on her face and suggests we go to bed. I never called her, again. Nothing wrong with the girl, just didn’t want to have to think about my diarrhea episode ever again!


Takin’ it slow…

April 14, 2010

“When I was living in LA, I had a friend who was very successful as a model and looking to transition into acting. She got asked to go over to this producer’s house to ‘look at a script’…Naturally, she knew that he would be massively hitting on her, but she really did want to get the script and, ultimately, work on the project with him, so she just figured she would go and try not to give him the wrong idea.
A few minutes after showing up, she excused herself to go to the bathroom as a break from him because he was already coming on way too strong. When she got to the bathroom, she almost passed out at what was waiting there for her. He had monogramed all of his towels in his powder room with her first name on them and HIS last name after her name, as if she were his wife!”

Pimp my ride…

April 11, 2010

“A few years back I had just gotten out of a relationship and was
looking to get a few dates under my belt. I was trying to be
open-minded to going out with guys who weren’t my usual type. So this
random guy I met at a coffee shop I frequented asked me out to the
symphony. He sort of reminded me of Deuce Bigelow, but I figured
whatevs, I’ll give him a chance.

So we arrange to meet at the coffee shop. Don’t want random guys from
coffee shops knowing where I live, yanno. He rolls up in this Rav4
type of SUV. Ok, fine, no problem. Until I open the door. The car is
literally FULL of trash. Paper and coffee cups and food wrappers
everywhere. They’re even spilling out into the parking lot. I was so
grossed out, I could barely croak out a hello. Seriously, I wouldn’t
take a dog for a ride in that vehicle, much less a human being I was
trying to impress. (Come to think of it, at least a dog might enjoy
rooting around in all that trash!)

‘Sorry,’ he says. ‘This is my friend’s car that I’m borrowing and I
didn’t have time to clean it out.’

I’m thinking to myself– five minutes with a heavy duty trash bag and
you could have at least gotten the surface crap cleared. Gross!

Needless to say I couldn’t enjoy the symphony, knowing full well what
awaited me once we returned to the borrowed trash can on wheels.

As for the guy, besides his questionable hygiene standards and lack of
a car in a city where cars were needed, he was dorky and boring. Dorky
and interesting are one thing. Dorky and boring, quite another. I
couldn’t wait for the date to end. So needless to say, I quit going to
that particular coffee shop. Of course, he kept calling me for months
after. I avoided his calls like I avoid bill collectors!”


When I moved to a new city my brother gave me the phone number of a friend of his who lived there as well and figured would be a good contact for me. When I called him up to see if he might like to meet for coffee, he sounded insanely hot. I asked my brother if my suspicions were correct, and my brother confirmed that this man was, indeed, very goodlooking. I was pretty psyched to meet him. My brother also threw a disclaimer out there, however. He warned me by saying “just so you know–he [my date] is CRAZY. He is the craziest person I have ever met.”
I did not heed my brother’s warning, because I was just so excited to meet the guy.
So I get to the bar and this incredibly gorgeous and sexy guys shows up. I was instantly attracted to him, and we seemed to be hitting it off. Drinks turned into dinner, and I was having a good time. UNTIL, his so-called crazy side my brother had mentioned APPEARED!
He was absolutely INSANE! He was loud, abrasive, and making super weird faces/noises for no reason. He even tried to piss off the waiter, for NO reason. He then asked me if we wanted to go back to my apartment to watch a dvd after dinner. Since I was no longer interested, at all, I thought it might be fun to get a little ass with this hot guy. I had no intention of seeing him, again, so I figured, why not get it on?!

He came back to my apartment, and we started making out on the couch. Out of nowhere, he informed me that he suddenly had a premature ejaculation. I was stunned since we were fully clothed and innocently kissing. All of a sudden he goes “Do you have any Chinese food menus? I’m hungry.” I was like, “Um, didn’t we just come from dinner?” and he said “Yes, but I’m hungry.” I shrugged and showed him to my take-out menu drawer where he proceeded to grab a menu and phone-in an ENORMOUS order of Chinese food–enough for two people’s dinners.
When it arrived, he GORGED himself on the food while simultaneously belching and farting on my couch.
I told him he was a weirdo and left the room to go watch TV in my bedroom. I was thrilled when he let himself out, and I immediately called my brother to describe my date with the crazypants!

A good friend of mine’s husband set me up on a blind date with a man who lived in the East 50’s. We spoke briefly on the phone, and he sounded pretty fun and nice. Plus, since my friend’s husband is a great guy, so I was imagining that this guy would be a catch. Furthermore, I had just gone through an absolutely harrowing break-up, so I really wanted to have a fun date to take my mind off of my ex.
My blind date lived around the corner from the restaurant we were going to go to, so he suggested that we meet as his place for a glass of wine and then head downstairs for dinner.

I show up and a nasty guy in a disgusting ‘Hey-Waiian’ shirt draping down to his knees answers the door. His hair was slicked-back and he had a disgusting white-head zit on right on his lip and no pants on! He was like ‘heyyy…I’m just getting ready, make yourself comfortable,’ and he proceeds to pour me a glass of super-cheap wine. As he began to waddle around his living room looking for his pants, drink-in-hand, I couldn’t imagine why my friend’s husband had been raving about this so-called ‘handsome, successful’ man he was setting me up with!

Just when I thought things couldn’t possibly get anymore awkward or awful, the hey-waiiaan-shirt-man walks slowly over to me, leans in (and I saw his enormous zit moving in towards me) and plants a nasty wet kiss on my lips!!

I stood up, in utter disbelief, and said ‘this isn’t working for me. Why don’t we just not?’ And with that, I let myself out and ran down the street to my friend’s apartment whom I had dinner with, instead!”